Food Diary

     Like many middle-aged women, I am obsessed with my weight. (I had to pause there for a moment after I wrote the phrase, middle-aged, because it's true. I am 43; therefore, I am middle-aged. I don't feel it. I don't think I look middle-aged, but I am.)

    I've tried all sorts of diets over the years: Weight Watchers, South Beach, Atkins, Low Fat, and now I've decided to try intermittent fasting to get rid of those last few pounds that have been haunting me for years. Several women I know have had much success with intermittent fasting, so why shouldn't I? 

    My window for eating opens at 11:00 a.m., and closes at 7 p.m. I had my first "meal" at 11:00- a protein shake that's supposed to taste like chocolate, but no matter how hard I pretend, it's not chocolate. It's good, and it's creamy, but it's not chocolate. 

    It's 12:21 p.m. I am hungry. My stomach is growling: feed me, please feed me. My head aches. It feels like a hammer is pounding my brain. I am guzzling as much water as I can, which means my bladder is ready to burst. 

     And all I can think about is food: pizza gooey with cheese, an egg everything bagel smothered with cream cheese, squares of caramel drizzled with milk chocolate, and crunchy tacos with lettuce, tomatoes, and, of course, shredded cheese.  How do people do this? According to the all-knowing internet, the cravings and the headaches go away after three days. This is my fourth day, and I don't think I am going to make it. . . 

    Here's the thing: I am not fat. I don't really need to lose weight. I am at a healthy weight for my height.  It feels weird writing that because we are programmed to think that we are fat, that we need to lose weight, that we need to do something- fast, extreme exercise, count carbs- to improve our bodies. I don't need to  deprive myself of food for sixteen hours a day, yet I am, and, full disclosure, I will continue to do so until I see the scale go down six pounds. 

    I wish I could accept the reality: I am fine the way I am right now- at this very moment. 

    But the truth is, I can't, and I don't know that I ever will be able to do so. 

    

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